Why I Knew I Fucked Up | A Memoir

So, this is why I knew I fucked up fucking with this nigga that you all know as my semi-mine…

I had feelings beforehand. 

And that’s unchartered territory for me. 

I’ve had several “fwb” type relationships, but none of them were with someone I had feelings for prior to getting involved with. 

Hell, I never ended up having feelings with them, even after being physical.

But this nigga

I liked him beforehand.

I liked him before I ever felt the way his lips felt against mine or the way his hands are so big and they make me feel so small when he grabs hold of me. 

I liked him before I knew how comfortable & secure I was with my body around him. 

I liked him because I got to know him. 

And that’s why I knew I fucked up.

Before it even started, I knew it was risky. I knew I didn’t know how I’d handle it because I’d never had to deal with such a situation before. 

But I thought it was worth a try.

And I suppose it was.

Now I know how I handle it. 

Not very well.

And it’s not because I constantly find myself wanting something more with him. 

That’s not it.

I respect his need to be young & free to do as he pleases.

It’s because I constantly finding myself struggling to separate my feelings from it. 

It’s because I can’t get beyond the idea that someone else gets to spend my kind of time with him. 

It’s because it’s hard to accept that I love someone that doesn’t love me, regardless of how much he “cares” about me or loves “who I am.” 

It’s because the thought of him giving someone else enough attention for her to get the wrong idea about them literally made me sick and I couldn’t eat for a couple days.

It’s because I can’t accept the things the other girl tweets about “bae.”

And it’s painful. Very painful. 

It hurts very much and I cry about it.

But I won’t say that to a nigga because this is why I knew I fucked up. 

And that’s not his problem.

I hope I find someone that practically falls in love with my smile & mindlessly mumbles about how they love the way I laugh when I’m cracking up over something (probably a stupid something).



i need to stop fuckin with childish ass females. 

dodgin’ bullets tho so harm done really.

so i went on your blog to unfollow you but saw this right before i hit the button so ya know what? let’s just air everything the fuck out right now since i’m a “childish ass female” 

am i being childish? probably slightly because i’m angry and these things happen. am i being unreasonable? no. 

to give tumblr some back story: isaiah & i met before isaiah was isaiah, he was effrin mcdonald back then. it was around the time that i was getting all “popular” for my video about insecurities. we were really close for awhile. and then he started dating this girl named jaritza, & she didn’t like me very much so effrin stopped talking to me. but, we became friends again after the fact. & over the course of the last three or four years, effrin & i “talked” a few times, WHICH NO ONE EVER KNEW BECAUSE IT WAS NEVER A PUBLIC THING. & then he became isaiah, & we’ve talked twice since his name change. 

this situation is a result of all of those times on top of the most recent ending to our talking. 

the way we started talking again most recently is that i asked him what i  did wrong previously - because i believe in bettering myself & learning from mistakes & yadeeyadah - & he said no no, it wasn’t you. it was me. i was going through some shit. i love you. i want to be with you. blah blah blah. 

now, if you follow isaiah, he’s also got some interesting situation going on with some girl named charlie - which he told me was just friendly, but i’m not stupid & my situation with my ex taught me better. some girl’s ideal date being one with you isn’t just “friendly”.. but i’ve digressed. 

so i’m like okay.. cool. let’s try it. blah blah.

meanwhile, you all know my situation with my semi-mine, so i told him about that & was having some issues deciding what was right. but then, i decided what was right was to be with the person who (claimed) to love me for who i was & all that shit. *side note: isaiah was person x when i asked for advice that one day* 

& then someone close to isaiah told me that i needed to just forget about him because he plays games & he was only going to hurt me & blah blah. & that’s when shit really got fucked up because this nigga got mad at me for believing that someone close to him, but why would they lie about him like that to me? but i was trying to fix it. & he’s like “well, let me think about it.” but that’s when i actually look at this charlie girl’s blog & realize some shit on that blog is making me uneasy. like shit like “i’m gonna kiss him one day & brag to you all about it” — that’s not friendly, that’s something else. so i tell him, don’t think about it too hard because as long as your charlie situation is going on, i don’t think we should be together. 

& he never replied. 

& then i told him i wasn’t mad at him, he just didn’t have the kind of love that i needed.

& he never replied. 

& i didn’t lie when i said that. i wasn’t mad at the time. but then i thought about it &.. it made me mad that he didn’t even think i was worth words. i wasn’t worth a “i’m sorry, bri.” i wasn’t worth a “i’m not gonna stop talking to charlie so we should be friends.” i wasn’t worth any kind of explanation, apology, or anything. not to him, at least. & that’s what made me mad. 

here is someone that tells me he loves me & wants to be with me & has figured out how to love me properly but i feel like i’ve been lied to, misled, & dismissed as unworthy of even giving courtesy. 

& then that anon called me a fucking side piece. & that really blew mine because i knew it. i told isaiah that the reason i wasn’t comfortable with the charlie thing was because he was portraying their relationship to his followers way differently than how he was portraying it to me.

& he was, clearly. because i somehow managed to become seen as a side piece. & that makes me feel used, & angry. & that reminds me of how i felt when i was in my last “serious” relationship. & i don’t like that, not at all. 

& all isaiah had to do was apologize. all he had to do was at least show that when he said he cared, it wasn’t a lie. but he didn’t. & he won’t. & i’ve learned that. 

but the point is: have i been childish? probably. but it isn’t because i’m just some childish ass bitch & i’ve always been a childish ass bitch & he’s “dodging a bullet” by TREATING ME LIKE SHIT. it’s because he treated me like shit. it’s because he made me feel like i mattered to him, then reminded me that i don’t. it’s because he initiated something knowing damn well it wasn’t real. it’s because every single time we’ve “tried,” this happens. & it’s because i’m tired of him acting like a fucking victim all the time, acting like he’s so high & mighty & treats every female like fucking gold yet just can’t seem to find someone that reciprocates those things. 

i’ve been childish because i’m fucking angry. but it’s not a fucking character trait. i’m not a “childish ass female.” i’m a female that has been childish in this situation, but isn’t childish by nature. & there’s no bullet dodging going on because he was never serious to begin with. & i really wish he would admit that, & admit he lied, & admit he was wrong for doing it because the shit he’s done to me has been really fucking hurtful but he just doesn’t give a fuck.

so yeah… 

& you know what, isaiah? i think i’m gonna stop being angry with you. because i appreciate you reminding me that i deserve better & treating me so poorly that i had no choice but to remember that i deserve better. i’m not gonna be angry with you anymore, i’m gonna feel sorry for you. because you think that this is how you can love people, but it is not. & you think that this is how you can treat people, but it is not. & i really hope that one day, you truly do learn how to love someone properly because until then, every relationship you ever have will be tainted & any love you ever give will cause the recipient pain. 

& i’m sorry that i expected better from you, isaiah. i’m sorry that i built you up in my mind as a decent human being that actually meant what he said, isaiah. i’m sorry that i believed you, even when you’d proved to me time after time that i shouldn’t. & i’m sorry that you feel like i’m a “childish ass female.” & i’m sorry that you think you “dodged a bullet” because, i may not be certain about everything in regards to myself but one thing i do know is that my love is strong and honest and loyal. it embraces people. it carries them. it moves them. it believes in them, even when it shouldn’t. & it believes in them, even when they don’t. i am intelligent. i am strong. i am committed. i am honest. i am loyal. i am passionate. i’m sorry that you equate dodging a bullet to missing out on someone that has done nothing less than try with you, has given you more than she’s received, & has always been forgiving of your mistakes in the past - even though they hurt me.  

people (males and females alike), today i learned a lesson that i learn constantly but always forget. 

just let it all out. air out all the bullshit. 

it will make you feel so much better. 

I am very guilty of surrounding myself with people that suck energy out of me. i care about people deeply. & I find myself surrounding myself with people that are broken because I want to help them. but ultimately, what I’m doing is taking on their hurt & struggle as my own because those people don’t really help me at all.

I am a strong person, but it is not my job to befriend people that are somehow weak & give them access to my strength.

my strength is for me. & it is mine. & no one else’s. & I deserve to surround myself with people that I find empowering, not draining.

I do not need to be in any kind of relationship in which I feel as though I am giving more than I am receiving. I don’t need to let people continue to just TAKE TAKE TAKE.

& I think that’s another thing I appreciate about the male “in my life” right now. he takes nothing because he also gives.

lol, i always thought that line “don’t take this personal. but you ain’t shit & you weren’t special til I made you so” meant that she basically upgraded him by being with him.

but apparently it’s more like… she created a different version of him in her head that was better than who he actually is. she made him special because she made him up. he actually wasn’t shit, but she convinced herself that he was because she loved him. 

& i feel that on a spiritual level.