If we suffer, & we don’t look deeply into our suffering & find compassion for ourselves & the other person, we may want to punish the person who hurt us because he or she has dared to make us suffer. When we suffer, we think it’s the other person’s fault for not appreciating us enough or loving us enough. Many of us have a natural tendency to want to punish the other person. One way we think of punishing the other person is to show that we can survive without him or her.
Many of us have made this mistake. I myself have also made that mistake. But we learn. We want to show the other person that without him or her we can survive very well. This is an indirect way of saying, “I don’t need you.” But that’s not true. In fact, when we suffer, we need others.”
I don’t want you to think that I am weak,
that I am feeble,
and that is why I came back.
I don’t want you to think that I need you,
that I couldn’t possibly live without you,
and that is why I came back.
I don’t want you to think that you won,
that you’re playing a game
and my unfaltering love for you is a trophy.
I don’t want you to think that I came back because I am weak.
And if you do,
I came back because I could,
because my love for you,
as cursed as I may be for possessing it,
makes you worthy.
I came back because I am strong,
because I am a queen,
and because I felt like it.
But I came back a changed woman,
and soon, you will see it.
It is no longer a thing
where my love has me so blinded
that I still feel that I am so lucky to have you.
You demystified yourself;
you showcased your imperfections.
And if you think that I am weak for coming back,
you are weak for ever leaving,
for thinking that silence solves situations.
I am not lucky to have you.
I don’t know if I ever have been lucky to have you.
Perhaps, I was enchanted,
and now you are my curse.
But it is okay,
because I chose you.
Whatever that means,
wherever it comes from.
Something inside of me chose you.
with your feeble ego.
with your lack of words.
with your indifference.
with your inconsistency.
and your flaws.
I am not weak.
I am strong enough to love you through your blemishes,
your broken pieces.
are the lucky one.
You are like a cancer.
Or perhaps, you’re the cigarette.
I know that you’re bad for me,
that you’ll never love me the way that I love you,
but I’m addicted.
Text by text,
kiss by kiss,
touch by touch,
I inhale your poisonous aura
until there is nothing left.
Late Night Writing
I missed you.
That’s why I reached out to you.
But I wasn’t expecting your hand to grasp mine & pull me in again.
I wasn’t expecting anything from you.
You’d taught me not to.
You told me that it was stupid,
& then your silence told me I was too much.
It said that I was too much,
That you were tired of me,
That my suffering was not your own,
That you didn’t want me anymore.
But still, I missed you,
& I love you,
So I reached out to you.
But I wasn’t expecting your hand to grasp mine & pull me in again,
Especially not when it still feels so cold,
But as cold as it is,
As much as I shiver when you touch me,
I stretch & struggle to grasp onto you,
My teeth chattering,
Goosebumps all over my skin.
Because I love you,
And I missed you.
& then, you grab my hand because…
Because you can.
Because you’re tired of seeing it stretching out for you.
& it’s so easy for you.
It’s all so easy for you.
You reach out, & there it is, my lonely hand, searching for you.
Always searching for you.
Always wanting you.
I’ll always go back to you because I am cursed by my love for you.
You’ll always come back to me because you can.
I’ll always be here for you because I am cursed by my love for you.
You’ll never be here for me because it’s clear the spell can’t be broken.
To my ladies holding on to someone that needs to be let go of:
Yes, he used to be sweet.
Yes, he used to make you feel like you were special.
Yes, he used to compliment me you randomly just to make you smile.
Yes, he used to be good for you.
But he’s not anymore.
& if you’re reading this, you know it.
You can’t keep holding on to what was while waiting for it to become what is.
He’s not the same person you fell in love with.
You’re allowed to let go of a stranger.